Always waiting

I’m constantly in this state of worry. Even when there’s nothing to worry about and everything is good, it’s like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know this has to do with a problem where I can’t live in the present moment and I know that’s my anxiety kicking my butt and I need to fight it. But it’s hard.

Honestly, this is one of my biggest problems, and I’ve gotten to a point where I just don’t know how to handle it. I’ve tried meditating or even simply trying to relax. Focus on my breathing and what I am currently sensing. What am I hearing? What does the room smell like? How soft my bed feels. But my mind is still too all over the place.

It makes me feel like I’m ungrateful. Life is honestly not too bad right now. Not perfect, but when is it ever? There are so many good things in my life right now and my brain just chooses to see what I still don’t have. Given my circumstances, I’m honestly in the best place I can be right now. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, people who love and care about me, I’m in good health, and I have the opportunity to pursue education for the career of my dreams. But I’m so caught up in my fear that I can’t enjoy any of it.

Maybe my mind just feels like it’s all “too good to be true” and that something’s not right. It’s like I’m just waiting for something to go wrong and I hate that. But it’s like I can’t help it. And then I begin to feel worse when I see that other people are in far worse situations than I am and that I’m still complaining. It’s a vicious cycle really and I wish I would just get over myself. I mean, I feel like I appreciate everything I have every single day. Like this year for example, I woke up every day at my new school feeling so happy that I was there. Not a day would go by that I wouldn’t think about how grateful I was to be at such an amazing, opportunistic place.

But the fact that I’m always worried makes me feel like I’m not being appreciative enough. I think I’m not allowed to feel sad all the time if people have it worse. I don’t know if that even makes sense.

And I don’t think that I feel dissatisfied with it all. I just feel afraid all the time that it will all fall away if I’m not thinking about it.

I feel like it has to get better. It has to. That I will one day be in a place in my mind where I feel secure and not like the world is going to fall in around me. But right now, it’s just torturous to myself.

I’ll get past it eventually. hopefully.

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Hating Your Work

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We are our worst critics.

I feel like nearly every artist hates their own work. Because it’s easy to hate your own work. You see mistakes in it that other people can’t. But then at the same time I feel like even though artists may bag on their work, they secretly think it looks pretty good.

Going to art school, it’s a pattern I see more and more. And believe me, I’m guilty of it too. I’ve been trying really hard to ease up on the harsh self-criticism though because for one: it’s not healthy, and two: what does that say about me?*

Honestly, I’ve come to realize that bagging on your own work might be more of a sign of insecurity rather than modesty; depending on how you do it of course.

For example, I see a lot of people that start bagging on their work from the very start. Like before the critique even begins and it comes on defensive rather than “not-trying-to-toot-my-own-horn.”

When it gets to their piece in the critique, they immediately jump up and have to make their comment first starting with, “I know this looks really bad, but…” or maybe just plain, “I know it sucks,” or “I hate it. I’m not happy at all with how this turned out,” and then they continue to point out the flaws or excuses for why these flaws exist.

This is something that I feel like I used to do especially in high school. It’s really an insecure action. I believe that the reason that I did it was because I wanted to point out the flaws before anyone else could. I didn’t want to hear other people criticize my work so I would jump ahead to do it first.

Perhaps that’s not everyone’s reason for doing it, but that’s what I’m interpreting whenever people begin bagging on their work. Is just general insecurity. Which in a way could also be, ironically, a lot of pride in their work and they just don’t want to hear anyone tear it down. And I get that. When you spend hours on a piece of work and maybe even cry over it a little, the last thing you want to hear is that there could possibly be any flaws in it after all the time and effort you put in.

But seriously, this is all just part of learning to take criticism. I’m still on this journey myself. It’s OK to be modest, but there’s no need to tear apart your project in front of other people just so they can tell you, “no it’s not. It looks really good!” or so that they just have nothing bad left to say about it.

It’s right up there with the girls that post flattering selfies on social media and caption it with a comment on how ugly they look in it. -_-… please…

If you must talk about your own work, try to talk about what you do like about it BEFORE you say what you don’t like about it. This is a two-sided situation. There are the strengths and the weaknesses.

Embrace your mistakes. They are what make you better.

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*this really applies to both art and life

TRY-lingual

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Trying to learn a new language is hard, but then it’s not at the same time. Let’s face it. It’s so easy, an 18-month old child can do it.

This is an idea I’ve talked about before on here. I’ve read over and over again how as adults, we find it difficult to learn a language or really learn anything that’s new because we have less patience. We want instant results. Being a noob is embarrassing to us because we’re adults and we should know better. We believe we aren’t expected to look like fools. Children don’t have this sense of humiliation. They do silly things all the time because they don’t care what anyone thinks. They make mistakes and they try new things without giving it a second thought. And that’s how they learn. Adults also lose patience as we expect instant results. Just like when we exercise. And, really, learning a new language is like working out; you have to keep up with it and little by little, over time, you’ll see results.

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To Understand Love

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Happy Valentine’s Day! I felt like there was no better day to write about this than today. Perhaps this entry is just a lot of me thinking out loud, but I just have been wanting to reflect on this idea for awhile now. I’ll be honest, this entry is basically just me rambling.

The late night thoughts, ya know?

I’ve been learning a lot about what it means to love and be loved especially in the past year. Everyone has their own perceptions of love what it means. There’s really no right or wrong answer. I find it interesting listening to what other people’s ideas are. Some range to love-at-first-sight to needing to wait five years. The topic of “love” vs “lurv” was always something I thought about as well. I’d hear so many high school couples say “I love you” to each other. In my mind, they were using that sentence too casually. People threw around the word all the time. Since this point in my life, I feel like my perceptions of love and good relationships have changed.

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not liking likes

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I remember creating my Facebook account back in 2010. It was 8th grade for me. MySpace had gone out of style and this was the thing that all my friends were telling me I needed to start. I didn’t understand it. So I never used it. I was constantly getting tagged in things by my friends with those crappy, low-quality images with different adjectives under different characters and my friends would post things to my w
all (back when that was a thing).

It wasn’t until junior year of high school that I really started use it. I began sharing photos and posting statuses. I quickly realized how the amount of likes I received was a sort of sign of popularity.

By college I was addicted. I was checking it constantly throughout the day and I was always excited to get those notifications.

I feel like my peak of Facebook was probably this past year. And then after the peak was a crashing low. I began to try to lessen my use of the thing because I realizing it was actually making me feel kind of depressed. There was no particular reason. Like I wasn’disliket seeing things on there (other than politics) that specifically depressed me. It was just the essence of it all I suppose. The hunger for “likes” and approval from people I barely know or talk to was just silly. And even though I acknowledged the silliness of it all, I continued to eat into it.  I decided to cut back A big step that helped was just deleting the app from my phone. I would say that doing that cut my use in half. A few times I logged myself out just so that I was less tempted when I was on the Internet to click over to FB and half my newsfeed be up and ready to go. I deleted the bookmark on my computer as well. Since November when I was getting further depressed being on FB from the election, I just decided to kind of quit all together.

I share photos every once in awhile, but it’s always via Instagram. Being on Facebook, I was always feeling this obligation to “like” people’s shtuff as a way of getting “likes” for my own things. I always said that when people “like” things I just picture a bunch of people in a room announcing to one another their achievements and then everyone else coming up to them and giving them a high five.

At the same time, and this is the reason why I didn’t just deactivate my account, I realized that you really do miss out on things in the world when you’re not on Facebook. Especially being in college, there are events going on all the time.*i.e. I ended up missing out on an important volunteering opportunity for the career fair that I really wanted to go to. It was posted the day after I decided to log off. -_-* Not to mention all the stories and news. As someone who doesn’t watch TV anymore, it’s important that I get my current event resources from somewhere else. And what better place than the Internet where I am all the time anyway? And frankly, social media is the best place to find that stuff without needing to try.

So I found a happy medium where I do visit Facebook but maybe only about once or twice a day rather than 20. And I just silently scroll through my news feed. I don’t “like” or comment on anything unless I feel really strongly about it. Doing it this way has made me feel a lot less anxious on social network. I don’t feel obligated to like people’s things. They don’t have to know that I saw it or not and wonder why I saw it but didn’t “like” it. Not that everyone does that. I’m sure they have a lot more important things to do with their day than wonder why specifically I did not “like” their status. (but then again, there are some people that do…) I feel like I’m staying invisible and looking like a more inactive Facebook user as I discreetly scroll through to find out what’s going on in the world.

After getting off Facebook, I started using Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram more. Twitter, I really use strictly for news. And Instagram I like for the visual end of it. I feel more like I’m creating art and sharing it rather than looking just getting into bitch fests and listening to people whine. As for Snapchat, I didn’t get into it until last summer. I had always had a big thing against Snapchat as I had seen kids in high school using it to bully people and make fun of them behind their backs. It happened to me and it disturbed me how easily and discreetly they were able to do it. I didn’t like the idea of being recorded without me knowing. But I took to it and have been using it more and more since starting at the new school. What I do like about it is that there are NO “likes”. People just look at it and you see if they acknowledged it and then there’s no obligation to say anything about it. Kind of just a “here, look at this!” and that’s it. I appreciate the quickness of it and how it’s private (sorta). In a way that people are only sharing things with you and specifically you. It’s not like putting up a post for all your friends, distant friends, acquaintances, frenemies, and mom to see and waiting to see who acknowledges it.

Of course it’s perfectly fine to enjoy getting “likes”. It feels nice. It can be like a congratulations from people or like having someone laugh at your joke and it feels good for awhile. But being addicted to them and needing them just to feel good about myself is just exhausting and pointless. So what if only 2 people liked my post? It’s something that really doesn’t have any meaning behind it. They probably forgot about it seconds after hitting that button. Removing the thirst for “likes” on Facebook has helped me get back to living life and being happy on my own rather than trying to find happiness in other people’s approval or getting others to agree with me in order to feel right.

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CybertronPC Borg-Q Gaming Desktop Review

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I figured I would finally write my review for my gaming PC or in my case, my Animation Computer.

I am a college student studying specifically Motion Media Design. I am dabbling in the realm of digital arts by also doing work in animation, motion graphics, editing and VFX. Therefore, I bought this gaming desktop PC, not so much for the purpose of gaming, but for the high graphics card to run my programs and make animating a much smoother and quicker process.
After having this computer for a couple years now, I feel like I can give better insight on the functioning of this computer. I’m not super techy, so I’m not going to get technical in this review. This is my first product from CybertronPC.img_2833

First off, this computer is definitely fast and runs well with amazing graphics given its price. Additionally, as a student with tons of projects constantly, I definitely can appreciate the 1TB HD. I went for something that was on the cheaper end of things and I can say that I definitely got what I paid for. It does the job. I love that startup is super fast. I’ve run multiple Adobe Cloud products at one time and it has no problem. Photoshop takes uses a surprising amount of CPU. I can also run these products while running Spotify or YouTube at the same time.

I’ve also run some games including Portal, Goat Simulator, The Sims, Minecraft, and a couple of Blizzard games like WoW and Overwatch and I’d say it runs decently. If you set the resolution settings right in gameplay it works even better. Perhaps it’s because I’ve only had casual cheapo computers before this one, but it has definitely provided me with the smoothest gameplay I’ve ever had in a computer. I have yet to experience any trouble with lag in a game unless I’ve had too many windows open underneath.

Where I have run into some problems has been with running Autodesk Maya. Granted, Maya is some pretty heavy software. If I close the Internet and other windows, it helps, but I do experience lag when running the program, which often makes work frustrating. As one can imagine, rendering takes an eternity, but that may not be the computer, it may just be Maya and the fact that I’m trying to render on one system. I found that when working in Cinema 4D, that I did not have as many problems with lagging.
Maya is probably the only program that I’ve had the most issues with on this computer.

Some miscellaneous issues with the computer:
The CPU is very loud. I was really surprised that when I turned it on for the very first time, the fan was ver noisy. The noise has never gone away and is still present no matter what kind of surface I put it on. The fan is annoying, but it is bearable. After awhile, it just becomes white noise and you don’t realize how loud it was until you turn it off.
Another issue I’ve had with this computer is that when I have things plugged into the USB ports in the front and a few in the back, they will not work. And I found that they will only work on EVERY OTHER startup. Meaning that I have to shut down the computer and turn it back on if I want the USB ports to work. And yes, I have to shut it all the way down. Simply restarting it does not work. This was a big nuisance when I had my wifi stick plugged into the back and so to get internet I would have to start it up twice. It’s very weird. I’ve never had a computer do this before. And it’s weird because the two ports I have the keyboard and mouse plugged into (thankfully) do not do that.
There was even one point of time where that problem went away and I didn’t have to start my computer twice, the ports would work every time. But sometimes it will still have this issue and I don’t know why.
Oddly, I haven’t seen other reviewers having this problem so far, so maybe I just happened to get a dud in this case.

Overall, I would say if this is your first gaming computer and you are looking for something a little cheaper since you’re starting off and don’t know what you really want in a computer yet, this would definitely be a great choice as it runs well and does its job of providing a smooth gaming experience. Or if you’re like me and need the good graphics card for animation or film work.
I was not looking to go out and get a $1,000-$2,000 computer at the time as I was just starting school and this worked out well for me. I much prefer the desktop over the laptop when it comes to my work.
It’s fast, inexpensive, does the job, can handle many programs at one time, and the blue glow is aesthetically pleasing.

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This Impossible Year

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[I think it’s funny how I seem to like to write on my blog more when it’s the end of the year. Both 2014 and 2015 I wrote about New Year stuff at this same time.]

This year has undoubtedly been an… interesting one. It’s been a tough and life-changing year for me on the personal level and also on the worldly scale. 2016 has held far too many tragedies in the world. Not to mention this crazy ride of an election we’ve had.

It’s really weird because when I thin back on this year there are many parts of it that feel like they were just yesterday and other parts that feel like ages ago and I’m surprised to realize that they occurred just this year.

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