I’m constantly in this state of worry. Even when there’s nothing to worry about and everything is good, it’s like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know this has to do with a problem where I can’t live in the present moment and I know that’s my anxiety kicking my butt and I need to fight it. But it’s hard.
Honestly, this is one of my biggest problems, and I’ve gotten to a point where I just don’t know how to handle it. I’ve tried meditating or even simply trying to relax. Focus on my breathing and what I am currently sensing. What am I hearing? What does the room smell like? How soft my bed feels. But my mind is still too all over the place.
It makes me feel like I’m ungrateful. Life is honestly not too bad right now. Not perfect, but when is it ever? There are so many good things in my life right now and my brain just chooses to see what I still don’t have. Given my circumstances, I’m honestly in the best place I can be right now. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, people who love and care about me, I’m in good health, and I have the opportunity to pursue education for the career of my dreams. But I’m so caught up in my fear that I can’t enjoy any of it.
Maybe my mind just feels like it’s all “too good to be true” and that something’s not right. It’s like I’m just waiting for something to go wrong and I hate that. But it’s like I can’t help it. And then I begin to feel worse when I see that other people are in far worse situations than I am and that I’m still complaining. It’s a vicious cycle really and I wish I would just get over myself. I mean, I feel like I appreciate everything I have every single day. Like this year for example, I woke up every day at my new school feeling so happy that I was there. Not a day would go by that I wouldn’t think about how grateful I was to be at such an amazing, opportunistic place.
But the fact that I’m always worried makes me feel like I’m not being appreciative enough. I think I’m not allowed to feel sad all the time if people have it worse. I don’t know if that even makes sense.
And I don’t think that I feel dissatisfied with it all. I just feel afraid all the time that it will all fall away if I’m not thinking about it.
I feel like it has to get better. It has to. That I will one day be in a place in my mind where I feel secure and not like the world is going to fall in around me. But right now, it’s just torturous to myself.
I’ll get past it eventually. hopefully.
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